I so do love it when the week decides to turn into Saturday. Lizzie normally sleeps in, so we all get to sleep in. Ben's in a good mood, because he doesn't have to leave for work. And most important, I get a little break. There's someone else to be entertainment director for the day! Don't get me wrong, I love playing with Lizzie, but being the only one all day long for 5 days in a row is exhausting.
It's official we need another baby, or something else like a puppy, for her to boss around and play with all day. We've been trying for another baby since last Thanksgiving. I guess trying isn't quite the right word, it's more like we haven't been taking anything to stop it. It feels kind of ironic though. We found out about Lizzie when I was taking the pill and had been for a very long time, ever since I was 15, and now that there's nothing in the way, nothing has happened. I don't get it. You're not really thinking about it or ready to have a baby and we do, and then when we want another nothing. I don't like the silence. It makes me uneasy. Maybe it takes a while to get out of your system. I don't know. I won't go into official freak mode, "we're only able to have one kid" until a year has gone by. But if Christmas gets here and I'm still not pregnant I will be extremely nervous.
It's always in the back of my mind that Lizzie is the only one we'll ever have. And it's only because every time I get pregnant something horrible goes wrong. The first time was 4 years ago, and we lost a little girl to a very rare and strange genetic mutation. The second time was with Lizzie, but 4 days after she was born I got a serious infection and almost died in the hospital. It was awful. It's not quite fair. I want to have another one so bad, but at the same time I'd be so paranoid that something would go horribly wrong, and for that I'll never fully enjoy being pregnant.
Well, this has turned depressing really fast. This was suppose to be a happy, Ben's finally home, I have time to myself post. I think I'm going to go cry now, then have some coffee, and then go enjoy my little family.
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